If Asking Me Why?

I know I am still upset trying to cover it with my so called busy life. Yet I can feel it. Especially when I am blogging.

• Why I am not always at your tomb or visiting you Kuya? 

        - Because I can't. I may be the last one , it may have been a year, but still I am in denial.

• Why I can't go into a drinking session?

        - Because I still remember you and the good times drinking with you and I can't hold unto my tears if that happens and I know it sucks. 

•   Why I can't cry , mourn for you?

      - Cause my head says everything is just a bad dream. My mind says I can't be soft I was the only left to bear the pain. I cannot mourn if my head is not yet accepting the fact that you're not here anymore.

•   Why I am not listening to the music genre we used to listen to?

      - It makes me cry a river. Just by hearing those , memories keep on flashing back instantly.

I've already posted it that there were a lot of reason to be happy . I am setting my mind that way. I am surrendering all to Him. Yet I can feel emptiness. I rarely feel it because I want my mind to be always occupied and make my body dead tired yet when I am alone I am feeling something is missing. I even say to myself I am just a sister so what would it be for his wife and  our mother.  Mom always telling me I already forgotten about you. She said seems like what had happened is just that simple and it's nothing to me. She just don't know how much I am suffering for your lost yet I needed to be tough. Because I can't show to everyone that I wanted to breakdown. One of the reason why stopped blogging. I started this blog as a diary. I vent out and express through posting. Now I am doing it again. Maybe it could help me. Maybe not but I know someday I will be healed but doesn't mean I will forget you.