Going On.. Moving Forward.. What a BIG word..

This year is a very tough  for the family. This isn't a year end post but I am trying hard to be optimistic everyday. That for all that we've gone through as a family our sun is about to smile on us. Just recently when my brother died I have realized the word moving on is really a BIG word. When I was young I look at it as a petty issues on lovers  but still the same perception but have  my own reason why it became a big word.
Because of Him. Kuya.
I always say to myself I am accepting everything but I know deep inside of me still holding into a thought that this is just a bad dream. * How I miss writing, I can express what I want and don't  care if everything were grammatically error. It's just my fingers love to type in the words that I wanted to express. * I always pray and said I surrender to YOU it all but I know there's a piece of me that's not at peace. I mentioned to my husband that I've never been happy enough after the accident. I am guilty cause I know there were a lot of things to thank and be happy for. But I don't know why I can't .
I smile, I laugh , I can be with others, I am loud yet I am really lonely. Heal me Dear God. I know this isn't the right thing to do and to feel and I have to accept everything . Heal my heart, my soul and clear my hatreds. As what always Ate said no one can bring you back to be here with us. Nothing's going to change even though he will be penalized. Just to get even yes but still not change the fact that you were gone. Though we fill our hearts with hatred to that person lead your death nothing will change. I admire your wife.. She's the toughest. I hope and pray the soonest I will be healed.