Thursday, November 20, 2014

Going On.. Moving Forward.. What a BIG word..

This year is a very tough  for the family. This isn't a year end post but I am trying hard to be optimistic everyday. That for all that we've gone through as a family our sun is about to smile on us. Just recently when my brother died I have realized the word moving on is really a BIG word. When I was young I look at it as a petty issues on lovers  but still the same perception but have  my own reason why it became a big word.
Because of Him. Kuya.
I always say to myself I am accepting everything but I know deep inside of me still holding into a thought that this is just a bad dream. * How I miss writing, I can express what I want and don't  care if everything were grammatically error. It's just my fingers love to type in the words that I wanted to express. * I always pray and said I surrender to YOU it all but I know there's a piece of me that's not at peace. I mentioned to my husband that I've never been happy enough after the accident. I am guilty cause I know there were a lot of things to thank and be happy for. But I don't know why I can't .
I smile, I laugh , I can be with others, I am loud yet I am really lonely. Heal me Dear God. I know this isn't the right thing to do and to feel and I have to accept everything . Heal my heart, my soul and clear my hatreds. As what always Ate said no one can bring you back to be here with us. Nothing's going to change even though he will be penalized. Just to get even yes but still not change the fact that you were gone. Though we fill our hearts with hatred to that person lead your death nothing will change. I admire your wife.. She's the toughest. I hope and pray the soonest I will be healed.


Thursday, October 30, 2014

What If I'm Gone

I never wished but just a thought. When Kuya died I was so overwhelmed to the number of people who grieved with us. He was that good that a lot of people wanted to be with him even on the last few days possible. Wondering' if I will have the same or even almost half of the number who visited him. Aside from my mom, whom I am sure of will grieve on me, I cannot guarantee my kids will miss me. They must've thought I am just at work. My husband, oh he can manage without me or should I say okay without me cause I am a pain in his ass when I am around. I know right I am not that good. That when I read a graphic showing "that day when everybody loves you" I smiled it may be the day I will know to whom I've been good.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Totally Wounded

I still can't believe that you're gone. Wala na yung mgtatanggol at mgsasaway everytime kuya Mike and I had petty arguments. I once told Jess that I am not even reaching the DABDA stages. Feels like I am in illusion that everything had happened was just a bad dream and now it's over and you back on working night shift and or day shift. That I am just unable to check you in your house. That you were just too busy playing clash of clans and can't even get out of your home. Seems everything is not sinking in. Not on the moment that I am about to seek justice for you. I feel like I am full of anger and hatred . Not to anyone else but to those who have let you suffered too much. I am trying to console myself that it was really meant to happen as it is because His(God) will. The lousy accident, the unquestionable bruises inside your body stating that need not to questioned what had happened. The thing that made me furious and full of anger were the people behind. I am just human, I accept the fact that it is God's will but  I am not able to forgive those people. Who am I going to forgive wherein no one is taking responsible of the accident. I don't know how long will I feel empty and unhappy. I really feel that something's missing. Though were not constantly seeing but the time you and Ate moved in here made me feel excited where I dreamed and we planned of us having good times more than the usual .How can it be if you're not here anymore? How can we have inuman sessions wherein our eldest cannot go in our flow. How can we both laugh unto somebody else and somebody else fault/ life drama. How can we laugh and be mean to our neighbor while you as the good guy and me the villain. I can do such stuff with anyone but it's different doing it with you. I really misses you Kuya. You were more than a tropa than a brother. I rarely received sermon from you. I remember the first and last time you slapped me when I was denying that I am not drunk and I puke in front of you come next morning you apologized and told me not to hide from you for you to know on how to cover me up. These were just memories. Till next time Kuya Chris.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Chill

When I was young, I say every word I wanted to say, I post, I shout out. I don't know what had happened that I am suddenly changed. Why other people didn't the way if this is part of maturity? I am just wondrin' how come I can now keep things over myself. I now have good length of temper Whenever I felt like I needed to release, I just pray and afterwards I feel lightened, yet problems aren't solved yet.  Usually the term chill for me is like having a bottle of beer in hand, laugh and chat. Now chill means differently , it's making things light whenever how heavy it is. Thinking at the positive way around and be thankful that I have lighter troubles than the others.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Boiled Me Up

This has something to do with the person who made a scandal on our business premises the last time. I am mean; I admitted that for the nth time especially here in my blog. However I also disclaimed that I changed a lot since I was born as a mom. The incident happened the last time trigger me being back to the mean person I am. I lost control of myself that even husband and mom cannot stop me of asking a confrontation from that particular person. Actually the two of them felt the same. They just can handle it better than me but I know and they expressed that both of them were really mad to that person. In my extreme madness I posted to our shop’s Facebook page consciously I know that everyone in the place including her son, nephews and nieces will read. That’s actually my purpose instead of posting it on my own account. I am not afraid that they will find it out that words came from me, as a matter of fact I posted my name after my mean statement and shared it to my own account’s wall. Good thing about me today is that I can easily forgive, this is one of the good thing my kids taught me. Literally they didn’t know they did but I acquire the attitude when motherhood comes along my way. I don’t want to plant grudges cause I know it will affect me , my kids and my family. Forgive and let go. I am really a changed person now.

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